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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2015|02:17 pm]

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i cut my toe. Collapse )
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Ugh. [Apr. 10th, 2015|02:53 pm]

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[Current Location |Home.]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |Kilo Kish - "Locket"]

So last weekend I was dead to the world and my dad came in to wake me up for our usual Saturday father-daughter shopping excursion. He gave me my breakfast and left, and as I was rolling over all groggy-like, I noticed that my leg felt...wet. And my shorts (I was wearing those super-comfy dude basketball shorts) were wet. Like clinging to my leg wet. I was like "...did I pee and not notice it?" I looked down...


I did not pee.

It looked like my lady business had gone on a murdering spree in the night.

I was both disgusted and fascinated.
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(no subject) [Mar. 11th, 2015|11:54 pm]


I've been getting over a cold, and one of the last remaining symptoms is that my sinuses feel like there's still something up in them.

Just now I managed to blow out what feels like every remaining bit of gunk in them. It took about 15 tissues. I am both disgusted and impressed, and I'm also pretty glad to not have all that up my nose anymore. I hope that's all of it.
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Anxiety Troubles [Dec. 26th, 2014|10:32 pm]

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[mood |frustratedfrustrated]

I have a pretty raging anxiety disorder and when things get stressful, I suffer from either:
1. Crazy, bad, intense Nervous Diarrhea OR
2. Horrible, nightmare-grade constipation.

There is no happy medium.

Back in September, I was walking to work. It is about a 3 mile walk over varied terrain. When I left my house I noticed clouds gathering but they seemed far away and any storms were not in the forecast. About a quarter of a mile in, the wind picked up and rain started to pelt me. Whatever. I continued on, and got to a bridge that went over railroad tracks. The clouds had turned dark at this point and thunder was rolling. But it seemed far away. I checked my phone and needed to press on to make it to work on time. I stepped on to the concrete and metal bridge, which was about .23 of a mile across, walking as fast as I could. The storm looked far away. I turned up the volume on This American Life, praying I'd scurry across ok. I was about a quarter of the way across when a HUGE-ASS BOLT OF FUCKING LIGHTNING lit up in front of me. I do not know how it missed the bridge. At that moment, I knew that I fucked up big time risking going on there anyway, I caught my breath, and RAN. RAN LIKE HELL. I started running at full-tilt as soon as the thunder started to crack. And it cracked, hard. I felt it in my bones.

I made it across that damn bridge, made it to work in heavy rain and ducked into the first bathroom I could find. I had terrible, loud, painful nervous poop. So bad. I thought I was going to barf at the same time! I went to wipe and....NO TOILET PAPER. NONE.
I shimmied my ass SO HARD. Then I tossed my backpack out of the stall and waddled to the next one to wipe my shameful ass. Perhaps that was my karma for poorly handling the lightning on a metal bridge about metal train tracks.

I skipped out on going with my husband to his family's Christmas (self care!) but I still felt real bad about it and I have been STOPPED UP for......4 days now. I have consumed coffee, special poop tea, water, fiber and went for a walk and still no dice.

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On farting in an MRI [Nov. 8th, 2014|10:08 am]

This seemed right up our alley...
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(no subject) [Nov. 1st, 2014|09:58 am]

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Inspired by the dog horror story from yesterday:
The day my cat explodedCollapse )

Xena came and saw me after she got cleaned up, she was fine after that, very tumbly and affectionate as usual, and she's never done that again, though she still goes into full-blown banshee mode each time she goes in a car. And my mom is hardcore as fuck. 
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a real shit show.... [Oct. 31st, 2014|06:02 pm]

My mom says I'll laugh about this next week.

cut for length. and shit.Collapse )
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(no subject) [Oct. 15th, 2014|09:59 pm]

The belly button is at it again. I'm so pissed off and frustrated. It was pretty bad this time...the skin all around the outside was swollen, red, and hot to the touch.  Lots and lots of discharge, dark red/brown. Lots. It's been an hour and it's still draining, I change my gauze every couple of minutes or so. I was going to call in the morning to get a doctor's appointment but I feel like there's no point. My poor NP keeps referring me to surgeons and she's really trying to help, but the surgeons just blow me off and do nothing. Three consults, zero permanent solution. Maybe if it half kills me and they're legally obligated to, they will. I just feel like giving up on it.

UPDATE: Got a call at 8:30am, they wanted me up at the surgeon's office cause they can see me today. Okay fine. Well, I'm VERY happy with how things turned out. He decided to do what I've basically been begging them to do for 2 years. Just pack the goddamn thing. I have 10 feet of gauze in me right now. I may post a picture of the first packing change tomorrow.
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How I grossed my dad out twice in five minutes. [Sep. 16th, 2014|12:34 pm]

I woke up with cramps of death and went right to the bathroom to let out the gushes of blood and the slimy, nasty poop that usually comes with my period starting. The smell was vile since the stupid weather is making it a million degrees before 10:00am PST. The bathroom faces south and has a frosted window. Since I was seated on the pot shitting everything I ate since before birth, I couldn't reach up to open it without decorating the toilet seat with a shitball festoon. The hot bathroom spread the stink like wildfire and almost made me gag. I had to take the lemon scented tile spray out of the cupboard under the bathroom sink and spray it in the trash can near my feet just to give me something to smell besides my shit and farts.

I finished, cleaned up and opened the window to air out the bathroom. Then I flushed the toilet three times to make sure no skid marks were left in the bowl. I spritzed some of the spray in the bowl and put the lid down for good measure.

My dad went in ten minutes later and I heard him cough and gag from the smell. The heat meant the smell never really dissipated out the window.

"Ugh, it smells like you baked lemon pie in shit!" yelled dad. After he finished, he accidentally knocked over the trash can and stepped squarely on last night's blood soaked pad. He has Parkinson's with neuropathy(numbness) in his feet, so he walked by with walker, DRAGGING MY BLOODY GROSS PAD because it was stuck on the back of his heel and he couldn't feel it.

"Um, dad? Look down."

He looked down. He was horrified. "Augh! That's disgusting!"

I had to get the pad and wash the blood off his foot. He was gagging and coughing the whole time. I managed to hold my laugh in until I was safely in my bedroom again.

And that's how I grossed my dad out twice in five minutes.
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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2014|03:07 am]

Recently went on a trip to California with my now fiance and her mother. First, we went to Disneyland, then we left her mother off at a train station and went to my old hometown of San Diego. During this trip, I came to wish that online hotel reviews also had a rating of the toilets.

When I drop a deuce, it can be sizable - a force to be reckoned with. This can lead to embarrassing situations. In the hotel in Anaheim, the hole in the toilet was too small to handle anything much bigger than couscous. But, I rather badly needed to use it when we got there, so I took my chances, hoping that this time would be a small, easy to handle load. It was, but the toilet still struggled with it, finally taking it down after several flushes. Despite my aversion to using public toilets, I found myself opting to use those at Disneyland rather than risking having to sheepishly ask for a plunger from the politely smiling, well-dressed concierge at the hotel. My fiance's mother actually thanked me for warning her about the hotel toilet when she quite suddenly had to make a run for it on the way back to our room.

In San Diego, the toilet did not look promising. Like the one in Anaheim, the hole seemed too small to handle much more than couscous. A flush, however, proved otherwise. This thing could quite likely launch a Soviet foxtrot class submarine through its undersized torpedo tube! I breathed a sigh of relief, secure in my knowledge that I would not be needing to ask for a plunger during this stay.

We ended up having to make an unscheduled stop at one final hotel on our way back home, due to traffic conditions. I was tired and not feeling great. Initial assessment of the toilet - weak flush, large, ahem, torpedo tube. I took my chances, as I didn't have a lot of choice, and it felt as though it would likely be diarrhea. Well, the torpedo tube jammed. Extra flushes didn't do it. I ended up having to sheepishly call the front desk, the person there already being exhausted by the sudden influx of guests due to the interstate closure that brought us there. That toilet could handle perhaps one square of toilet paper. Anything more, and you were taking a gamble.
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